Oh Life

After my Grandma died I kept thinking of all the things gone wrong in 2011, and I decided 2012 would be my year. I was going to take back all the days I was sad, and I was going to live life to the fullest and be happy again. 23 days into 2012, my Aunt Pam died and I was back to where I had started, if not worse.

The funeral in Colorado was as good as funerals could be. My Aunt Pam was such an amazing person, and still is. And so many people expressed that in great ways. It was awesome to see so much family, some family I haven't seen in a while. It was a weird weekend. I was pretty sad and confused and thinking life just isn't fair sometimes. But I also laughed pretty hard and enjoyed being around so much family and support and love. There were a lot of different emotions put together, emotions that don't usually go together, and it felt kind of weird.

Getting back to Corvallis has been a struggle for me. I hate not being with my family. I can tell friends about my Aunt Pam, and they sit and listen. But nobody really understands like my family does.

Going back to classes was hard. I have never felt so unmotivated in my life. It's a new kind of feeling. I really just don't care about anything. I have such a laid back and "whatever" attitude about everything, one like I've never had before. I keep thinking things like, "what's the point to my life?", "does anything really matter in the end?", just things like that. Not that I'm suicidal, I'm far from that. But I'm not sure really how else to explain how I've been feeling. I could definitely see how people could commit suicide if they feel like this for long enough.

But I know I'm not going to feel like this for long enough. My life does have a purpose and things do matter. I just need to find that purpose and the things that matter again.

My very good friend sent me a link to this talk: http://www.lds.org/ensign/2009/05/be-of-good-cheer?lang=eng

It really helped me out today. Today has definitely been better than the last few days. I'm still not 100% yet. But I know I will be. Much like after my Grandma died, I'm learning again how to take everything moment by moment, day by day. Someday, hopefully soon, things can be somewhat normal again and make sense.

I guess so far 2012 isn't really my year. But that's why I'm thankful for new days, and new months. January may not be a good part of this year, and February might not be the best either. But I have March to December to make this year my year. 10 out of 12 months isn't too bad :)