Oh Boy, What A Week!

I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I'll start at the beginning of the week.

Monday was the first day of school. It was a pretty typical first day. I think I'm going to enjoy my classes this term. My very first class of the day had a pleasant surprise. I was sitting there waiting for class to start when Julie walked in! I'm not sure why we don't compare schedules before classes start, but it's really funny to me that this is the 4th term in a row that we've had a class together without meaning too. It's like we're best friends and have the same mind or something. :)

Monday was also my first day back at Arnold. It was fun getting to see everyone again, but the actual work part was a nightmare. They moved the Mexican food part of our menu, and now when I work Mexi, it means we're sharing the space with Global Fare, and there are about 5 of us working in a very, very tight area. I hate it. Plus, they food is over the stove now, and stoves scare me. And it makes the handles of the spoons very hot. So I had to use a towel every time I needed to get the hot food, and I was always scared the towel was going to catch on fire. Plus, freshmen are just freshmen and need to get used to how it works to get food in the dining centers. First of all, Freshmen, I am NOT your mother. I don't make things the way your mother does, so don't special request things. I will not be picking out the peppers in the corn mix, and I will not be picking out the onions in our beef mix. I also don't fold your burritos how your mother does. And I don't care to learn. I do it my way. If you want the food made like your mother makes it, move back home. Thank you. Second of all, your name goes at the bottom of the ticket. If your name is not on the ticket, then I can't call out your name. So don't get mad when I just call out the order, and you forgot what your ordered, so you don't pick up your food until 20 minutes later. It's not my fault that your food is cold. And no, you cannot get another order for free. It clearly states that your name goes at the bottom. Maybe you should've learned to read before you came to college.

Tuesday was better. I started my internship, and I just loved it! I got to meet one of the juvenile delinquents, and I just fell in love with her. And just talking to the probation officers/counselors, I knew the Juvenile Department was exactly where I wanted to be. That kind of thing is exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I felt very comfortable, and at home. It was magical. I also had the English class I'm taking this term. I know I'm not an English major anymore, but I still love it just as much. Each time I take an English class I'm reminded of how much in love I am with stories and writing and creativity and just everything to do with English. Plus, I don't work Tuesdays. So my days end a little earlier. Not early, but earlier. So that's always nice. Tuesday was good.

Wednesday was ok. By Wednesday was when homework started piling up, and I was reminded how much I just LOVE homework. I love how even on the first day of real homework day I already feel behind and overwhelmed. Work was the same as Monday. Pretty frustrating. I kept reminding myself that I just needed to get through the week and things would hopefully be better. Freshmen will get better over the next couple weeks. Right? Wednesday night was horrible. It took me forever to finish my English assignment for the next day. And I was avoiding it as long as I could all night. I was finally ready to go to sleep around 2 in the morning. But I could NOT sleep. It was so weird. Luckily I didn't have class until noon the next day, so I could sleep in a little. But I just tossed and turned all night. And each time I woke up it took me forever to get back to sleep. I also felt really cold. Colder than I should've because it was a pretty hot night. Kelcie and I had our fan going. But I just had goosebumps all night.

The next morning was the worst. Thursday morning I found out why I couldn't sleep all night. And why I had goosebumps. I woke up a little after 9 and had 5 missed calls from my home. I also had like 6 text messages, some from my Dad saying to call him back. One from my Mom asking me to call my Dad back. I had 3 voice mails. But the text message I noticed the most was from my sister-in-law. I didn't even get through the first line before I panicked. This is what I read, "I'm so sorry about your grandma." Umm...what? WHAT? Yeah, panic mode. I ran out to the living room where I have better service. In my head and somewhat out loud I remember saying "no, no, no, no" over and over again. Like a little kid. I hit 3 on my speed dial to call my Mom. Before I knew it the tears were streaming down my face and three rings later when my Mom picked up and said hello, I blurted out a very tearful and panicky "hi." My Mom right away told me to knock it off and stop crying if I wanted to talk to her because if I was crying my Mom said she was going to start again and she had already cried too much that morning. It took me a few seconds to get it under control, but I finally contained myself and was able to get it together to have a conversation with my Mom. My Grandma had passed away earlier that morning around 5:40. My Mom and my Aunt Trudy were with her. She went the best way she could. She needed some help this summer, but for the most part, she was still very independent, and she was pretty much always herself. She kept her brain until the end, is how my Mom put it. I only talked to my Mom for a few minutes before she had to go. So after I hung up, Erin's message was on my phone screen. I read the rest of the message: "I'm so sorry about your grandma. She was such a wonderful person and I'm going to miss her. But I'm really glad she is done suffering and gets to be with your grandpa again. I'm here if you need anything. I wish I could be with you to give you a hug in person. I love you and I'm thinking about you." I completely lost it. Luckily Kelcie and Rachel were already in class, so I had the apartment to myself. I was sooooo not a pretty person to be around. And Thursday morning was a complete disaster. There was a point I got myself in check long enough to get dressed and do my hair for school. And while I was looking at myself in the mirror I didn't even recognize me. Which made me lose control again, and my hair did not get done the way I wanted it to.

Being around people helped. I was able to keep myself together for all of Thursday. I even went to my internship and had a pretty good time. I met another kid, and this time spent some time with another probation officer, who I think is going to be my favorite. On the ride to and from the kid's home, he asked me some pretty serious questions about why I was interning there, and what made me want to do what he was doing. It really made me think. He was very straight with me too. I love it when people just tell me how it is, and don't sugar coat it. He told me his job sucks for the most part. In most of the kids he works with, he never really sees a change, and they will always just keep getting in trouble. But it's the very few kids who do change that make his job worth it. And that's exactly what I want in my career. I know I won't change the lives of the majority of the people I work with. I would like to. But realistically, that's probably not going to happen. But even if I can change just a few, I know it'll be worth it. Working with him on Thursday just reminded me again of how much I'm going to love this internship, and how much it exactly pertains to me.

Work was better. I worked at Deli and not at Mexi, and Deli actually has their own space to do things. I also worked with a girl who I really just love working with. It was really good. I was able to fake it. And I think I did a pretty good job. I hadn't told a single person all day about my Grandma. I just was not ready to do that. But I called Dain. After work. Because I can always tell him anything, and he knows the exact right thing to say. So I knew he'd be a good person to tell first, and kinda practice on. So maybe it wouldn't be as hard to tell everyone else. And it worked. He knew exactly what to say. I didn't exactly feel better, but it was just good to talk to him for a little while about it. So then I came back to the apartment and told Rachel. And she gave me a hug. Which was pretty good to have. :)

Today was worse than yesterday though. I started telling people. Not a lot more, I told Julie and Nathan. I was sitting in my adviser's office waiting for my advising appointment when I told Julie. Which was not the brightest idea because I started crying a little bit, and my eyes were watery while I was meeting with my adviser. Hopefully he just thought I had allergies or something. :S

Telling Nathan wasn't too bad. But after I told him it completely hit me. She's actually gone. And all these memories that I had been putting way back in my mind for the last couple days suddenly came to the front. And I am going to miss her sooo much. I can't describe it, I can't put it into words, how much I'm going to miss her. I know I'll see her again someday, and honestly, that's the only thing that has kept me going for the last couple days.

My Grandma dying hit me way harder than I thought it would. I've known for three months that it was coming. But I really thought I'd have more time. I thought for sure she'd make it through at least Thanksgiving, and probably Christmas. Three months was not long enough to say goodbye. I don't know if any amount of time really is. But three months just seems so short. I thought I was more prepared, but the last couple days has shown me that I have definitely not prepared myself as much as I thought.

Now, I have General Conference to look forward too. I'm so excited, more so than I think I ever have been. General Conference always comes at times in my life when I think I need it most. This time more than ever. I kinda feel like my life is completely falling apart. I know it isn't completely, but it really does feel like that. I know there are very good things in my life right now. And I'm trying to focus on those things. It's worked for the most part. And even though life is pretty dang hard right now, I also feel very blessed. Even though I feel like life couldn't get any worse right now, I know it could. I'm so excited to hear the Prophet and Apostles speak to me this weekend. I can't wait to hear what they have to say to me to get my life back on track.

I love my Grandma. I love my Grandpas too. But for some reason my Grandma's death has hit me harder. She was such a blessing in my life, and in everyones' life who knew her. Everything about her made me a better person. And I can only hope and pray that I can live even a small part of her example through me.